Middle child.

Middle children work hard to be noticed and invisible at the same time. We don't like the spotlight all the time but will manipulate conversations for the sake of entertainment. I recently told my aunt, when we were at dinner, that I, as a middle child, do not rock the boat. This is true. However, my cousin, also a middle child, remarked that it was more fun to sit in the corner and egg on the boat rockers and feed them material and lines to make conversations more controversial and interesting. I found this also to be a hard cold fact about my personality that I don't make as public as I maybe should. Often, girls of my temperament are seen as too sweet or innocent to be sinnics or manipulative in heated situations. I thought it was time the truth came out and, since no one really reads this anyway, thought it was a good place to "publicly expose" my inner diologue about the clashing and complex dynamic that comes with not being the eldest nor the youngest child of my family. 

2015. Crazy

Is it a problem that I like being crazy busy? Maybe. I'm excited about this year even though the first couple months look insurmountable. My heart is full of Jesus, my stomach, full of bagel, and my blood, full of coffee. I am intimidated by everything coming my way but everyone seems to think I have the ability. Sometimes that is all you need to be fearless; Someone who loves you... That actually is all you need ever. I am so so happy that I have such sweet people around me. Amy Poehler once said something about surrounding yourself with people who inspire you and make you into who you want to be. It's good advice. The Bible says something similar. I'm hoping and expecting a lot for this coming year. My ultimate goal is love. To be lavishly generous with my love and to have open arms to receive love as well.

Baby bird coming back to the nest.

Ok, what is failure, really? I successfully moved out of my parents house last year... My 20 year old Toyota, however, killed itself a couple weeks ago. That being said, I am making it out of this year out of the nest by the skin of my teeth and am coming back home. I am soooooo thankful to my amazingly selfless parents for inviting me back to live under a roof with people I love. Failure? In some ways, maybe I did fail. But it's ok. God has blessed me with an answer I didn't expect. How do I make money to buy a car? ... I don't know. But God gave me my first car. I know there is provision from the Father in some form. 

Greetings from the bathroom!

It is almost midnight. I am in the bathroom trying to stay busy because tylenol doesn't seem to work on the pain going on in my mouth. I got my wisdom teeth out earlier in the week and thought I could go from the major drug to this but it seems the only thing that helps is staying busy. I miss sleep. I have been thinking a lot lately about pain. All kinds of pain. Pain grows you, shows character, hollows out shallow places, breeds new perspective(good or bad). Pain exposes who we are. I can think of multiple times in my life especially in the case of my family because, after all, that is where i am probably most exposed and therefor hurt when there has been excruciating pain. The thing about that is, when I trusted God with the circumstances, I never came out angry or distrustful. Knowing that Jesus loves me and he wants the best for everyone is a challenge sometimes. But, if I don't have expectations from the get go, I can wait and watch his amazing plan unfold.

Thank you, lord, for all the awesome gifts you have given us and the people who are there to encourage us in the spirit everyday. See there? If I hadnt been in pain tonight, I would have missed this!

Open my eyes!

Lately I have been reading a lot... ok, that's a lie. I have been listening to a lot of books and reading a little. Anyone who knows me very well, knows that when I am still, i am drinking coffee and talking with someone and the rest of the time I'm moving; so it makes more sense for me to listen to books as i work. I have been reading a lot about the heart of the Lord. His unending affection for his people and His heart for them to know him. Pride gets in my way so often when it comes to my heart mirroring his!  When I see people so stuck in their ways that being right becomes more important than loving the person in front of them, my eyes open and my heart hurts! Being right is so important in fact and letting their over-shared opinions be heard, that people become hateful towards those people that are stumbling around in the dark! The very ones God is trying to reach are being more and more repulsed by the people who claim to represent Christ every day. Facebook, twitter, bumper stickers, politics, protests, the hurtful things people say are everywhere. It's embarrassing. Then, though, I must examine my life. I am not innocent of these things either. Just last week I was , I feel, unkind to a man in my class who rubbed me the wrong way. I was told that it didn't show when i expressed my frustration for this man to an older woman in out class who said, "your rude is really nice". Never the less, i should have kept my cool and prayed through that instead of gritting my teeth and "sucking it up". If God is really my God and Jesus my savior, lover, friend,... Then I must act as though he is or my words will fall on deff ears. No one cares to listen to someone who does't actually care. So, before we post to Facebook, tweet on twitter, pass on that bulk email, forward that text, or make that comment, we should all probably ask, "God, open my eyes. Is this going to bless this person or give them a bad taste for another person with whom we are to share the kingdom "?


"Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. I want to see you, I want to see you, to see you high lifted up! Shining in the light of your glory! Pour out your power and love! as we sing holy holy holy!!"

Don't worry!!

I am off to Africa in a few hours. THis always comes to mind just when i tell God about something that is scary to me.. He reminds me that i am right where he wants me.. 25“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?^g 28And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.30But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Justice

We have been talking a lot in out small group about what Gods Justice is. This is the verse Matt (the guy leading) lead us to. It's amazing, the difference between what i call justice, and what God has called Justice! Isaiah 58: 5-14 "Is this what you call fasting? Do you really think this will please the Lord? ⁶ “No, this is the kind of fasting I want: Free those who are wrongly imprisoned; lighten the burden of those who work for you. Let the oppressed go free, and remove the chains that bind people. ⁷ Share your food with the hungry, and give shelter to the homeless. Give clothes to those who need them, and do not hide from relatives who need your help.⁸ “Then your salvation will come like the dawn, and your wounds will quickly heal. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind. ⁹ Then when you call, the Lord will answer. ‘Yes, I am here,’ he will quickly reply. “Remove the heavy yoke of oppression. Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors! ¹⁰ Feed the hungry, and help those in trouble. Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.¹¹ The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.¹² Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities. Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls and a restorer of homes.¹³ “Keep the Sabbath day holy. Don’t pursue your own interests on that day, but enjoy the Sabbath and speak of it with delight as the Lord’s holy day. Honor the Sabbath in everything you do on that day, and don’t follow your own desires or talk idly. ¹⁴ Then the Lord will be your delight. I will give you great honor and satisfy you with the inheritance I promised to your ancestor Jacob. I, the Lord, have spoken!”"