Middle child.

Middle children work hard to be noticed and invisible at the same time. We don't like the spotlight all the time but will manipulate conversations for the sake of entertainment. I recently told my aunt, when we were at dinner, that I, as a middle child, do not rock the boat. This is true. However, my cousin, also a middle child, remarked that it was more fun to sit in the corner and egg on the boat rockers and feed them material and lines to make conversations more controversial and interesting. I found this also to be a hard cold fact about my personality that I don't make as public as I maybe should. Often, girls of my temperament are seen as too sweet or innocent to be sinnics or manipulative in heated situations. I thought it was time the truth came out and, since no one really reads this anyway, thought it was a good place to "publicly expose" my inner diologue about the clashing and complex dynamic that comes with not being the eldest nor the youngest child of my family. 

2015. Crazy

Is it a problem that I like being crazy busy? Maybe. I'm excited about this year even though the first couple months look insurmountable. My heart is full of Jesus, my stomach, full of bagel, and my blood, full of coffee. I am intimidated by everything coming my way but everyone seems to think I have the ability. Sometimes that is all you need to be fearless; Someone who loves you... That actually is all you need ever. I am so so happy that I have such sweet people around me. Amy Poehler once said something about surrounding yourself with people who inspire you and make you into who you want to be. It's good advice. The Bible says something similar. I'm hoping and expecting a lot for this coming year. My ultimate goal is love. To be lavishly generous with my love and to have open arms to receive love as well.

Baby bird coming back to the nest.

Ok, what is failure, really? I successfully moved out of my parents house last year... My 20 year old Toyota, however, killed itself a couple weeks ago. That being said, I am making it out of this year out of the nest by the skin of my teeth and am coming back home. I am soooooo thankful to my amazingly selfless parents for inviting me back to live under a roof with people I love. Failure? In some ways, maybe I did fail. But it's ok. God has blessed me with an answer I didn't expect. How do I make money to buy a car? ... I don't know. But God gave me my first car. I know there is provision from the Father in some form. 

Greetings from the bathroom!

It is almost midnight. I am in the bathroom trying to stay busy because tylenol doesn't seem to work on the pain going on in my mouth. I got my wisdom teeth out earlier in the week and thought I could go from the major drug to this but it seems the only thing that helps is staying busy. I miss sleep. I have been thinking a lot lately about pain. All kinds of pain. Pain grows you, shows character, hollows out shallow places, breeds new perspective(good or bad). Pain exposes who we are. I can think of multiple times in my life especially in the case of my family because, after all, that is where i am probably most exposed and therefor hurt when there has been excruciating pain. The thing about that is, when I trusted God with the circumstances, I never came out angry or distrustful. Knowing that Jesus loves me and he wants the best for everyone is a challenge sometimes. But, if I don't have expectations from the get go, I can wait and watch his amazing plan unfold.

Thank you, lord, for all the awesome gifts you have given us and the people who are there to encourage us in the spirit everyday. See there? If I hadnt been in pain tonight, I would have missed this!

Open my eyes!

Lately I have been reading a lot... ok, that's a lie. I have been listening to a lot of books and reading a little. Anyone who knows me very well, knows that when I am still, i am drinking coffee and talking with someone and the rest of the time I'm moving; so it makes more sense for me to listen to books as i work. I have been reading a lot about the heart of the Lord. His unending affection for his people and His heart for them to know him. Pride gets in my way so often when it comes to my heart mirroring his!  When I see people so stuck in their ways that being right becomes more important than loving the person in front of them, my eyes open and my heart hurts! Being right is so important in fact and letting their over-shared opinions be heard, that people become hateful towards those people that are stumbling around in the dark! The very ones God is trying to reach are being more and more repulsed by the people who claim to represent Christ every day. Facebook, twitter, bumper stickers, politics, protests, the hurtful things people say are everywhere. It's embarrassing. Then, though, I must examine my life. I am not innocent of these things either. Just last week I was , I feel, unkind to a man in my class who rubbed me the wrong way. I was told that it didn't show when i expressed my frustration for this man to an older woman in out class who said, "your rude is really nice". Never the less, i should have kept my cool and prayed through that instead of gritting my teeth and "sucking it up". If God is really my God and Jesus my savior, lover, friend,... Then I must act as though he is or my words will fall on deff ears. No one cares to listen to someone who does't actually care. So, before we post to Facebook, tweet on twitter, pass on that bulk email, forward that text, or make that comment, we should all probably ask, "God, open my eyes. Is this going to bless this person or give them a bad taste for another person with whom we are to share the kingdom "?


"Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. I want to see you, I want to see you, to see you high lifted up! Shining in the light of your glory! Pour out your power and love! as we sing holy holy holy!!"

Don't worry!!

I am off to Africa in a few hours. THis always comes to mind just when i tell God about something that is scary to me.. He reminds me that i am right where he wants me.. 25“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?^g 28And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.30But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Justice

We have been talking a lot in out small group about what Gods Justice is. This is the verse Matt (the guy leading) lead us to. It's amazing, the difference between what i call justice, and what God has called Justice! Isaiah 58: 5-14 "Is this what you call fasting? Do you really think this will please the Lord? ⁶ “No, this is the kind of fasting I want: Free those who are wrongly imprisoned; lighten the burden of those who work for you. Let the oppressed go free, and remove the chains that bind people. ⁷ Share your food with the hungry, and give shelter to the homeless. Give clothes to those who need them, and do not hide from relatives who need your help.⁸ “Then your salvation will come like the dawn, and your wounds will quickly heal. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind. ⁹ Then when you call, the Lord will answer. ‘Yes, I am here,’ he will quickly reply. “Remove the heavy yoke of oppression. Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors! ¹⁰ Feed the hungry, and help those in trouble. Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.¹¹ The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.¹² Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities. Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls and a restorer of homes.¹³ “Keep the Sabbath day holy. Don’t pursue your own interests on that day, but enjoy the Sabbath and speak of it with delight as the Lord’s holy day. Honor the Sabbath in everything you do on that day, and don’t follow your own desires or talk idly. ¹⁴ Then the Lord will be your delight. I will give you great honor and satisfy you with the inheritance I promised to your ancestor Jacob. I, the Lord, have spoken!”"

My Dream makes sence.

Thursday night i had a really strange dream. (Even for me). A lot of it was a blur but what is still so clear to me was that i was stumbling around and fell off a pier into monster filled waters. I was to wobbly, for lack of a better word, to even lift my head out of the water. i saw parts of monsters and alligators and was really scared. Suddenly My friend Taylor grabbed my wrist and pulled me out one handed!
I was worshiping Friday with my dear friends the Berryhills, the Franklins, the DeGroots, Cammie Miller, Jacob Kohler, and a few others when i noticed something in my spirit telling me to lay aside my song and go find my sister. I obeyed and went and found her. I suppose i provoked her without meaning to because she shouted at me. This in itself is not rare. We are a loud pair. However, i believe there was something more warring inside me; For when I sat again and began to sing, i also began to weep uncontrollably. In my mind, all i could say to God was, " Did you really send me just to get my feelings hurt? Can I please know if there is truly a big picture?" My crying began to attract attention and a few of those around me began to ask if i was ok. Then Taylor, (you might compare her to a mighty man of valor only in my life.. a steadfast one) came and asked how she could pray for me. Tears pouring down my face, I found that i had no answer. I didn't even know what to ask God for! Taylor pulled me into an empty room and let me blubber what probably sounded absurd and not even like English. Her Prayer was prophetic! God blessed me so much through a prayer and I have felt at peace for the last several days! He Loves us! Oh how he loves!

One of the ways I am learning how to see God's heart and how to truly love him is through this passage that i couldn't get out of my head the other day while my cousins and i were making gift bags to give to homeless people.

Matthew25

“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left. “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’ “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’ “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’ “He will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’ “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

a messy me

Tonight my eyes poured because I realized that i had become apathetic in almost less than a week! We started singing "I'm forgiven because you were forsaken, I'm excepted, you were condemned..." I couldn't take how i had thought I was so "good" before and how I know what a mess I really am!

And yet he truly will always be there for me! I must always set what he did for me and how much he loves me and how much he longs to be with me every day! My heart breaks! Emotions overflow! and the whole time i can only rock back and fourth thinking of this beautiful wild romantic God who wants to take me through a scandalously wonderful story of redemption!

Thank you, Jesus! You take my mess! You renew me and redeem my life!

Art series

Immanuel! this tattoo is my friend Jordan's. She got it the day of this pic! I should have said when i Posted it, but the Birds and Rose are my friend Bri's!

Been there

Have you ever had a parent turn their back on you when you were in pain? Have you been deserted by all your friends and men you trusted in your life? Have religious leaders let you down? Have you been in love and rejected by the very person you thought finally might SEE you? I have had all these and didn't think anyone understood. Now, while i am so tired, I see Jesus suffered all these things and more!! He will always see me!! He KNOWS and will hold me for as long as there is need and let me cry unashamed! He will always always listen, be there, whisper to me that he loves me. My perfect husband has been there. He will always be able to relate and have sympathy on what I'm going through! Thank you Jesus!!!

My Walls

These are some of my walls! Pieces that i am proud of and posters that I like. just a little inside for you; my dad designed the bright orange Shane and Bethany Barnard poster and the little one that looks like an eye chart! He's a better artist than he would admit.

Art series

As promised, here is some art that I am pretty much in love with and i really wanted to share! there will be more art of this kind as soon as i can get my camera and the canvases ( skin) in the same place!

WHy??

I am going to continue my postings of different and amazing art! But first I must confess my latest heart issue. I am finding myself playing the whore. What I mean by that is that most days I would rather intrust my heart to a man who is imperfect than the King who chases me into the dark and desert, full of pitfalls, just to hold me in his arms and carry me to safe places. He is jealous for me and I let my eyes wander!! I am admitting this, of course, because i have broken my own heart and had been asking God to open my eyes. Then as I cried over a boy, He did open my eyes. How quickly i forget my perfect husband who chases me and wants me, who will always be there for me.

ouch.

At age 19, i had thought that I could have a conversation with adults my senior and voice my opinions freely. That was until today. The words, "you'll get it when you're older" used to be applied to me and my opinions often... (pre puberty) by older teens. It always left me feeling shunned, irrelevant, and always with a sort of pang in my throat and sting in my nose. That same feeling of irrelevance and hurt seemed to rush back as one that i look up to most uttered, " you'll get it when you're older". at this moment i did feel as if i had nothing to offer. Nothing relevant to say or do or think today. like that awkward child who didn't ever quite know what to do with herself. I just left the room. It is times like these that i don't even recognize the very grown-up young lady who talked with her friend's parents about ecclesia for ten minutes last night. I do thank God that even the ones I respect most, my family, friends, or school are not what defines me. It's Jesus. Whatever my lot, though has taught me to say It is well, it is well with my soul.

Today

Tonight I went to a house stuffed with friends. I felt safe and away from stress. We loved on eachother, ate together, and are as of tonight praying about ministering to the homeless together. Reaching out to our respective schools and workplaces and what not. God has placed these siblings in my life for a reason! I was so blessed this morning by my ecclesia family. The support i feel there can only come from people who love Jesus. I worshipped all day. Thank you, God!

Art!

My Muddled thinking/ flashes of genius.

I go through my time as if there is more just waiting for me on a shelf when i need it. I become complacent as quickly at the lightning strikes in a storm. My eye strays from the one that loves me at almost anything that looks fun or new or shiny. It's not fair. He stretches his arms out just to love me and be with me. And then i don't even talk to him sometimes. All this must change. He is so good to me. My knees, having seen the floor genuinely recently, will testify to his love for me. ...

Jonah

Catching one of these would be an amazing experience! God used one to catch a man and ultimately, the heart of a nation. That's one big fish!